Post by do on Aug 5, 2009 2:08:31 GMT -5
Alpha Ceti V - Gaia
Stardate: 25.01.2169
Hours after the battle at Azati Prime
Her knuckles rapped on the window. Sloane thought she'd seen movement inside, from the hall to the lounge. Then again, she was so damn tired, she could be seeing shadows anywhere. Bottom line was though, she didn't ring the door on the off chance Merrick might be asleep.
It would be a blessing if the man could get some shuteye, given what had happened.
Sloane had just caught a shuttle off the NX-01, still wearing her uniform, PADD, other paperwork and her personal belongings in a bag slung over her shoulder. She probably should have gone home first, but after the news that was waiting for her when she and Mercer had rejoined the Enterprise, all that had been gnawing at her was Tom... Tom and Lexie.
A sob strangled her throat and she took a step back on the porch of the house Merrick had been sharing with Captain Alex Styles. A lovely home, a lovely family, all that shattered at the same time as Gaia was about to celebrate the greatest turnaround in the damn Xindi War. Taking a calming breath, she exhaled slowly, reining in her emotions. Taking another step forward, she knocked on the window again.
"Come on, Tom," she muttered. "I know you're in there."
*
Tom was moving around the house like a ghost.
Meda had promised to come back in an hour or so, the woman needed a break and Tom had been happy to let her go. She'd been fussing over him, trying to salve her own grief by tending to his. Tom was too indifferent and numb to notice. The only one that seemed oblivious was Lexie. She was on the carpet, playing with her toys, unaware that the mother she knew, who carried her and loved her was gone. Tom was grateful that she was too young for him to have to tell her that.
There hadn't been a drop to drink in the house since he moved in. Alex had sworn off alcohol when she got pregnant and after the baby was born, so no reason to take it up again with an recovering alcoholic in the house. It was stuff like that made the emptiness in the house seem so final. The little things she did to make him happy, to make him not feel so much a fuck up. He watched Lexie, observed the little girl, trying to learn everything about her. Stuff, he'd never paid attention to because Alex was always there to do it. Now it was all on him.
The only thing capable of making him feel anything was currently playing with the Troll Man dolls that Celine and Julian had seen fit to give her.
Opening the door, he prepared to tell Meda to go bloody home and get some rest.
Except it wasn't Meda.
"Sloane," he said with surprise. As much a surprise as the fact he called her Sloane. Usually it was McRae, luv or Major but almost never Sloane.
"Tom." Sorry, she wanted to say. Fuck, mate, I'm so sorry. But standing there, the words escaped her.
He met her gaze and saw everything she needed to say, her empathy spoke to him without her needing to say a word. Maybe that's why the MacHayes thing always worked - she could always tell you what was in her heart by her eyes.
"It's good to see you," he said softly and meant it. He didn't dare touch her because unlike Derick, the walls held up when his best friend was around usually came tumbling for McRae, they always did. "Come in," he said quietly, turning his back to her, walking into the house.
"Thanks," Sloane said automatically as she noted Merrick keeping his distance. At least he invited her in. Once upon a time, he would have cursed her away with an empty bottle of bourbon.
Despite wanting to grab the man into a bear hug, she suspected the comfort would be more for her than for him. So she respected his need for space and looked around the room for... "Lexie girl!" The rugrat was never far from her father. Putting her bag down, Sloane went to Lexie. "Hey, sweetie..." She knelt down, caressing the babe's head. There was so much of Alex in her.
Sloane's eyes misted over and she kept her head down until she got herself under control again. She'd never been as stoic as Hayes, no matter what the other MACOs said. "She's doing good, Tom. God, she's grown so much since last time." Obviously Lexie was used to her mother being out and about and hadn't realised yet she wouldn't be coming back. How Tom would cope with telling his two year old baby girl that she would never see her mum again, Sloane had no idea.
There were faces Lexie recognized and to a degree, she was able to say names. Not clearly but names. For instant Ren always came out sounding like Wen, Derick always sounded like Drick and Sloane always came out as Woan so when she saw the woman coming to hug her, the little girl burst into a smile and cried out. "Woan!"
Tom watched them and saw the hugs being exchanged and felt himself die just a little more. Alex was a lot like Sloane. A strong woman who was more than capable of giving Lexie the kind of guidance she needed to survive the meaner things in the world. Except Sloane and Ren would be the only influences now for that because Alex was gone.
"I can't do this..." Tom whispered to himself, without realising he had said it.
Sloane swallowed hard and glanced up. "You already are..." The fact Sloane hadn't found Merrick parked at Beasts, rigged to a keg and Lexie at Meda's told her that. Yeah, he looked disheveled, his harrowed eyes made his face look gaunt, and he seemed to be adrift, but he was still sober.
He was standing at the wall watching them but seeing Lexie and Sloane together had snapped something inside him and he had slid to the base of it, shaking his head. "I can't do this..." He shook his head. "Alex was the one who knew how to do things, how to be a parent... I can't... I don't know how to do this without her."
Shit. Grabbing one of the dolls Lexie had flicked to the side in an exuberant gesture, Sloane returned it to the girl. "Here, Sweetie," she cajoled, her tone calm and reassuring, belying her grief. "Aunty Sloane will be back in a tick."
She approached Merrick. The man was breaking apart, his distress palpable. "Hey..." She kneeled down, her hand going for his shoulder.
"It wasn't supposed to be her," Tom whispered. "It was suppose to be me. I keep telling myself to hold it together because of her." He looked past Sloane's shoulder at the child who was playing without a care in the world. "The only thing that's keeping me from breaking apart is knowing that I have a daughter but... but... I don't know if I can stay this way. Christ Sloane." He buried his face in his hand. "It's not RIGHT. How is she ever going to know what a bloody amazing bird her mum was?"
Aw, Tom. Sloane's heart was breaking all over again, just like when she'd been giving the news by Archer of the Saratoga's fate. She'd immediately thought of Lexie, growing up without a mother, of Tom without his soul mate, of Alex, her friend, robbed of her life too damn soon.
She squeezed his shoulder. "She will... through you. Tom, Alex loved your sorry ass so damn much. You made her the mother she was to Lexie." Merrick, always selling himself short, probably would never realise that his wife would have probably never entertained motherhood if not for him. That he made her a better woman for it. Girlfriends talked. Sloane knew just how much Tom had gotten under Alex's skin.
"I always knew," he lifted his head from his hands, "that this couldn't last. I could feel it, you know. That there was a price for being this happy, that it was too good to be true. She came out of nowhere when I didn't expect it. I thought the best I could have hoped for after well, you know, the drinking... was keeping my job but Alex, Alex came out of nowhere but I always knew... I always knew I wasn't going to get to keep her..."
Her features distorted at Tom's pain. What could she say to that? Derick had taught her the risk... the leap you had to take for love. And like Tom, Sloane had learned it didn't always work out. But unlike Tom, her loss had come over time and she wasn't left with a little bundle of joy that was a constant reminder of the person she'd lost. Sloane wasn't good at this. Alex would have been. She would have known what to say in moments like these. But if she was still around, it wouldn't be needed...
"I know, mate." In that instant she would have traded her life for Alex's. Sloane didn't have anything going. Didn't have anyone anymore. And with the war over, MACOs would be a dime a dozen. She pulled him closer. "I'm here, okay. I know it's less than second prize but when you don't know if Lexie's pink top goes with those pants, I'll be here to help."
He laughed at that, a humourless laugh that descended into grief and then allowed himself to succumb the way he hadn't been able to with Derick because blokes didn't do that with other blokes but McRae had always been able to see past his shit, perhaps even more than Alex had. Letting her pull him close, he gave in and sobbed.
His pain was so raw, it made her chest hurt. Arms encircling him, Sloane put her cheek on his shoulder, silent tears blurring her vision of Little Lexie playing in the middle of the lounge, on the thick carpet.
Time seemed to slow down to a trickle. Every so often the toddler raised her head, looking for her father, and went back to her toys upon spotting he and Sloane, babbling softly.
A soothing hand rubbing his back, Sloane held Tom for as long as it took for the sobs that wracked him to subside. When he seemed calm... spent, Sloane nudged him gently. "Hey, feel like a cuppa?"
"Yeah," he nodded, wiping his eyes, looking at her with gratitude because he really needed to do that, really needed to be comforted the way only a woman could do. Like Alex used to when he'd wake from one bad dream or another. The last of it was gone, the anguish, now was just the hollowed out left overs, the resignation and the lingering pain. "Thanks, Sloane." He thanked her for more than just the tea.
Meeting his gaze, she gave him a sad but encouraging smile. "Of course," she said, getting up. Of course, she wouldn't desert him. She'd be there for comfort, to lend an ear but also to kick his ass if need be. She squeezed him to her as she went, depositing a kiss on his head. "Big oaf."
Heading for the kitchen, she wiped her face on her sleeve and put some water on the boil. The room had loads of Alex's touches and it made Sloane pause. Christ. Even that violet in the window brought back a vivid memory of a day at the market. With a sigh, she pushed on. Familiar enough to know where most things were, she automatically went to the cupboard where the teas were kept. The box she pulled out Sloane nearly caressed. This was the good stuff. The fancy stuff. It was Alex's. Thinking smelling Alex's favourite brew would do more damage right now than good, Sloane grabbed the cheaper, everyday stuff next to it.
Moments later, she was coming back to the lounge with a hot teapot, cups and some mashed banana and yogurt for Lexie.
"Thanks, Sloane." Seeing as to how she didn't just get him tea but also brought some food for Lexie. Alex and Sloane had become close and he was always happy about that, that Sloane had that friendship to rely on. Always in a boy's club of one sort or another, even Tom knew enough about women to know that they needed a girlfriend as much as men needed mates around them.
"You know," he said, making his way to his daughter and sitting across her, running a large hand over her small head. "The least she could have done was leave me with a boy." Tom managed a sad smile. "I know what to teach a boy but girls..."
"That's exactly right: the least she could have done was giving you a boy. She did better than that." Sloane gave him a mischievous smile. "You can't ask for anything better than a teenage girl to keep you on your toes."
"Oh, bloody hell." The concept of a teenager daughter began to coalesce in his head. "I'd have to keep blokes like I used to be away from her."
"Karma's a bitch. Oops!" Sloane said, covering her mouth as she glanced to Lexie.
"Sorry, sweetie." She tickled the child's belly. "You a little peckish, hmm? Want some banana?" Sloane wasn't what anyone would call motherly but every time she entered the Styles-Merrick household... Styles... It seemed like everything went back to Alex and the fact she was no longer with them. She met Tom's gaze because she figured he would have noticed the play of emotions on her face. God, she couldn't imagine being in his shoes. Shaking it off, she poured them some tea and went to get Lexie's bib.
It killed him a little inside every time he saw Sloane try to fight it off and suddenly Tom had an idea of what kind of gap Alex had left behind her, not just in his life but in the lives of the people around her, Lexie, Sloane, Meda...everyone. Knowing that they shared his pain, understood the magnitude of the loss, made Tom feel less alone and that for right now, helped. "She thought the world of you, you know," Tom found himself saying when Sloane came back with a bib and a washcloth. "She was so happy to have you in her life, especially when she found out about Lexie. To share it with someone else, since I was bloody terrified."
"That'd be right," she teased Merrick for his fear of little girls, but deep down she was touched and it hurt all over again. She sat down cross-legged and looked at Tom. "I was thrilled. That she'd share this with me... or like when we went for her wedding dress... " Sloane looked down at the terry cloth in her hands and tried not to fall apart. She was here for Tom; not the other way around. It always seemed that at times like these it was who had lost the most who ended up comforting everyone else. "She was a good friend. She was my only girlfriend actually..." Sloane realised aloud.
And suddenly, Tom was reaching for Sloane, squeezing her shoulder, trying to will a little of his depleted strength into her. "I think you were her only girlfriend too," he revealed. "You both had a lot in common, I think that's why you got on so well. Luv, I'm going to need your help with this one." He regarded the little girl who had her mother's smile as she handed him a blue haired troll doll. "I could bloody kill Celine for this."
"Whatever you and Lexie need," Sloane promised to Tom - and to Alex, wherever she now was - before shaking her head at the troll. "They're ugly things but she's still too little for the likes of Godzilla."
Tom grumbled, "Yeah, decent toys like guns and monsters. That's what my kid should be liking...
girl or not."
Grinning, Sloane poked him in the shoulder. "Give her a few years, alright?" She had never realised how much it worried Tom to have to raise a girl. And it wasn't because he was now facing the challenge on his own. This must have been eating at him since day one.
"Here we go, sweetie..." Sloane put the bib on Lexie without disturbing her much from her play. She gave the bananas and yogurt a stir and offered a spoonful. "Hungry? Open wide..."
"Nana!" Lexie cooed, clapping her hands, the hairy dolls suddenly forgotten.
"Yeah, banana. Mmmm..." Sloane fed the girl, dodging the nimble hands that went to grab the spoon from her. Had they been in the kitchen, Lexie in her highchair, Sloane would have let the girl have at it, but here in the lounge, unless they wanted to be wiping yogurt off everything, Sloane better be the one doing the shovelling.
"You know..." Sloane went to their earlier conversation. "I was raised with three boys and then I've been spending the better part of my life fitting in with you lot..." She smiled though it didn't really reach her eyes. "It's going to be a bit like the blind leading the blind."
Tom watched Sloane feed his daughter, trying to himself in the little girl and not spotting. "Should be easy," he remarked distantly. "She's mostly Alex. There's not much of me there which will make her more sensible."
Sloane could sense him slip away a little."More sensible than you isn't hard," she teased, glancing his way. Thing was, Merrick might not see it but there was plenty of him in his daughter. That cheeky grin for one.
"You're supposed to be comforting me, you know," Tom threw at her, a faded smile as he gestured at her to let him take over the feeding duties for a bit. It was time he got used to do this more often anyway. "In my time of bereavement."
It was the MACO way to recover quickly, to hide the pain and go on. With McRae there was no need for him to weep and wail, she understood he kept the stiff upper lip as a matter of course. His break down earlier had been cathartic, a needed release to get on with it.
"But that's it, isn't it, all the shit I used to have in my head? I got to get over that because I'm someone's dad." He tweaked Lexie's nose. "I'm all she's got."
"Comforting you, yes." Sloane nodded as she handed him the bowl and spoon, a bit like she was talking to a child. "But not enabling you... letting you convince yourself you can't do this... that you don't deserve her." And that he hadn't bloody deserved Alex.
"You're all she's got," Sloane confirmed, fighting back the tears all over again.
And Lexie, totally oblivious to all this, just cracked a smile at her father's caress. What would they do when the child started to cry for her mother?
"There's Uncles Derick and Julian, Aunties Meda, Celine and Sloane too..." she carried on, addressing the girl. "Don't know what kind of influence we'll be..." she joked, glancing back up at Tom. But they wouldn't be alone - unless Tom chose to.
Tom set about the business of feeding the little girl, exercising more tenderness than he was accustomed to. The only thing he took care of as well as Alex and his gun. This little bundle of smiles and gurgles may be even more difficult than that.
"Come on, luv." He smiled at Lexie. "Grub's up." He looked back at Sloane.
"Well we know she's not going to go Fleet, that's for sure." Tom almost grinned.
"Well, that depends if she turns out to be as contradictory as her old man..." Sloane winked.
"Contradictory?" Tom looked at her. "Me?"
Sloane raised an eyebrow, daring him to say, with a straight face, that he didn't like to go against the grain.
"Not all the time," Tom pointed out. "If I were, I'd shot Gabe and taken the Enterprise off like Fletcher Christian."
Letting out a chuckle, Sloane conceded, "True. Alright, not all the time." She leaned toward Lexie.
"Your dad has mellowed some actually." A lot of that was due to Alex and Sloane interrupted herself before saying it.
"Yeah, not the tough, good looking bloke that swept the ladies off their feet back in the day," he said with a rueful smile. "Life's strange, isn't it? Could you imagine this for any of us, five years ago?"
That they would still be on their lonesome? Yes. But Sloane knew that Tom wasn't as cynical as he used to be. He meant his journey with Alex, his home with a daughter, and with Sloane somehow fitting in all of this as a doting aunty.
"No." She shook her head. "Not in a million years."
"Even Gabe." Tom shook his head. "All that time I thought he was miserable down here, he was doing one of my corporals. It's like realising God goes to strip bars."
Sloane smiled. "Yeah." Married with two kids with Orphan Annie. Unlike Tom, Sloane guessed she'd always known of Hayes' soft side. The fact he had a wife and family wasn't such a surprise. It was who his partner had turned out to be that had thrown all betting men.
Tom detected the slight shift in her voice at the mention of Orphan Annie. "Yeah Gabe and Ren, threw me for a bloody loop that's for sure. I still can't believe how they met." Tom chuckled, recalling Derick's tale.
"Hard to believe they had no idea about each other..." Sloane nodded. Wow, that was like a blast from the past, taking Sloane all the way back to near three years ago, when she had just met Derick and she and Hayes had fell out. It was filled with bitter sweet memories.
"Well, not surprising really," Tom replied, thinking on that very thing. "Firstly, Gabe barely looks at faces, he pays attention to uniforms and, well, how often would a Corporal, especially one in my unit actually run into the Colonel."
That was where Merrick's and her perception of Gabriel Loman Hayes often diverged. Hayes knew all the faces of his MACOs. Their names, where they were posted right off the bat, their stats... but that was for *his* MACOs, meaning the ones on the NX-01 at the time he ran things. The ones on Gaia, Tom was probably right about that; Hayes would have known the majors, captains and sergeants, not the corporals and privates. Still, what Sloane had never been able to wrap her head around was how Ren Richards had not known who Hayes was. For the top dog not to know of all his puppies was one thing but you'd think the pups knew who was top. There wasn't a MACO building without a photo of the Iron Colonel somewhere and that wasn't even considering all that talk about MacHayes at BARN, that gossip Tom often used to tease her about. Nope, Sloane had never wrapped her head around that one. Not that it mattered... The man was happy. Ren seemed to be content too. The kids were gorgeous. Life went on.
Sloane simply said, "True. Unless they were on the NX, Hayes didn't really have time to mix with MACOs planet-side."
"Well, from what I understood, Gabe was in civilian wear and Ren had never actually seen him face to face. I think for most grunts it the same sometimes, you see the officer, not the man," Tom replied. After a moment, Tom asked, "What about you, McRae? How are you doing?" He didn't say, since she and Derick went their separate ways, but the inference was there.
Backtracking a bit in her head, Sloane tried to figure out how the conversation had come to focus on Hayes and his wife - or more specifically how the pair had met. It was three years ago... was Tom just thinking on things, like when he'd bumped into Alex? Maybe. Her gaze moved from Lexie to him when he asked how she was faring.
"Me? Just troddling along." If Tom was fishing to know if she was looking for someone else, the answer was 'no'. And a good thing too. Thirty-five ships they had lost over Azati Prime. If Sloane had been dating anyone, chances were that guy would be among the dead now. "Don't worry, I'm pretty sure I've gotten over your best mate." Speaking of Rickman, had he already stopped by? Was he likely to show up, much like Sloane had, unannounced?
"I'm sure you have," Tom replied but was convinced it was nowhere that simple. The break up had been hard. Irreconcilable differences hid a multitude of sins under two simple words. Derick had been bad and he did not doubt Sloane was either. However, he was glad to hear she was okay. "I just wanted to know how you were. It's been a while since we caught up."
"I know." She reached out and touched his forearm. She hadn't meant to come across as defensive but she guessed she had.
"On a bad day... and I mean a very bad day," she stressed, trying to make light of her feelings, "I'm still... bitter. I'm still angry at him... for making me believe." Tom would know what she meant. On that, Tom and Sloane were from the same cloth. It had taken Alex to coax Tom out of his shell and just like Derick had done the same for Sloane. "And I'm still pissed at myself for letting him." As she spoke, Sloane realised she was being incredibly stupid since all sorts of parallels could be drawn from her words. "I'm sorry. I don't mean that you and Alex, it wasn't worth it." Shit, she hoped Tom wouldn't come to believe that. Yes, he had lost her like Sloane had lost Derick but their ending was a different ball game.
"I think that it was good you did," Tom said softly, not offended because he wouldn't have traded his time with Alex for anything. Even the pain he was feeling now. "I wouldn't give up what I had with Alex," glancing at his daughter. "What's she's given me and you gotta take a chance, luv. So it didn't work out this time, it might the next."
She was glad Tom felt that way, that he wasn't wishing he'd had none of it. There would be ups and downs, but Tom already knew the steps. He'd already taken them to his sobriety. One day at a time. He would work through his grief the same way. And he had friends to help him along the way.
"I know. I did say 'on a bad day'." She quoted in the air with her fingers. Did she really regret falling for Rickman? She couldn't say she did. She had learned a lot out of that relationship. Nearly a year later, that was enough to dull the sting of loss and failure and be able to see the good things she had walked away with. "And I'll have you know that I'm not a total lost cause." She thought of Captain Mercer and grinned despite herself.
"You'd never be a lost cause, McRae." Tom grinned. "Thank you for coming here today. I think I really needed it. I'm still going to be a mess for awhile but I think I can manage." Wiping a bit of food off the little girl's chin, he added, "I suppose I'm going to have to, aren't I? Been thrown off the deep end with a little girl but I'm telling you know, the day she needs a bra - you're doing that."
Sloane chuckled. "You're welcome. And I'll do the bra if you let me be a fly on the wall for her first period," she challenged teasingly.
Tom's jaw didn't quite drop but he winced and then remarked, "That's it, she's living with you until she's eighteen."
Her face cracked with a full-blown grin at his reaction. "I'd have her in a heartbeat, you know that. But I'm sure she'll much prefer living with her daddy. That said..." Sloane's smile faded, her expression turning into one of a caring friend. "I'm putting for some time off so whenever you need a break... anything... I'll be here." Planet-side, only ten minutes away.
One thing Tom Merrick had learned through this whole nightmare was who his friends were. Meda had been playing Nanny while he and Alex were on active duty and had recently offered to do so on a permanent basis. He had offers from Derick, Julian and Celine to do the same. Ren had even offered although Tom couldn't wrap his mind around his daughter being babysat by Mr. and Mrs. Hayes and now Sloane too.
"Thanks, McRae," he said with a smile. "One thing I never thought I'd be in this life was someone's dad. Let alone doing it alone. I know when to accept help."
She noted how many times he brought up the fact he now had to raise a child on his own. Besides Alex's loss, this whole parent thing weighed heavily on him. Sloane didn't know how she could convince him that so far he had done a wonderful job, even if he felt awkward at times. "Good." Sloane nodded with a gentle smile. "When was the last time you grabbed a shower or got some shuteye? I could take the little one to the park, give you some space..."
Tom had to admit that was inviting. "That would be bloody marvellous, McRae. I've been sleeping on the sofa," he said quietly. "Just can't bring myself to go in there yet..." He glanced at the bedroom he and Alex shared.
Following his gaze, Sloane shook her head sadly. "You gotta give yourself time." A line she was certain Merrick would be fed plenty of times in days and weeks to come. But that bit, she could relate. Rickman hadn't died but when the two of them had split up, Sloane had needed to be out of her house, off Gaia even, back on the NX for some surprise check of the Gryphon squadron at her request. Next on her agenda had been to repaint her bedroom... It was incredibly hard when everything, all the little things kept reminding you of that special person. When the sheets, the pillows still carried their smell.
Moving to her knees, she reached out and squeezed his shoulder. "Come on. I'll take Lexie to the park, have some fun on the swings and the slide."
"Thanks," Tom replied and leaned forward, kissing Sloane on the cheek. "You're a top bird, you know." He meant it. "Take care of my girl." He looked at his daughter. His only girl.
Sloane blinked, accepting his gratitude in the simple gesture and kind words. "Will do." Standing up, she offered her hand to Lexie.
"Come on, Sweetie. Let's go outside, what do you say? Want to go play in the swings?"
"Yesss!" Lexie bounced and got to her feet, grabbing at her father for balance. "Swings, Woan, yes."
"Good. Let's wipe your face and get your shoes on," Sloane said, as she led Lexie to her bedroom with a pit stop in the bathroom.
Tom watched Sloane take his daughter away, a little better than he was before she came. He was by no means mended but with Sloane and others like her to help, he would eventually heal.
Fin.